in feast, in fallow.

163.

2012-03-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

I always, always complain about Boise drivers. I think they are too impatient and take too many risks. It is very noticeable to someone who isn't from here. Welp, joke's on me because someone hit my car and didn't leave a note or anything. This is what I get for parking on a semi-busy road. Estelle is fine - but the driver's side mirror is pretty much useless now. I am thankful for no body damage. But still. Really? More money into this car? I wasn't even driving it when it happened. Needless to say, Estelle will be parked on a side street now.

I signed up for a membership with the YMCA. Here's to one of my new year's resolutions making some kind of progress.

Currently obsessed with Gregory Alan Isakov. What can I say? I love a folksy man with calming music.

If I could describe my love life post-grad, it would be this: I need to stop being attracted to men who have their lives in shambles - men that are clearly in need of some serious reconstruction. These men - knowingly or not - are bringing people down with them. The last two shenanigans I have been involved with have nothing to do with me. I was just temporarily dragged into their mess. I just may have to put a disclaimer on the next guy I meet. I am so over the "texting buddy" thing, I am so over the "just for now because it's convenient" thing.

The things that happen in our lives we can chose to let scar us, or form us. I choose the later. There is hope for all of us.

I took this photo March 2010 on an Indian reservation in Oregon. The area is a disaster - homes abandoned, broken toys sprawled across fields. It was very eerie, specially since it seemed like everyone was either hiding, or had disappeared. And then, this group of beautiful wild, horses walked past my vehicle as we hit a stop sign. Life still moved on in this abandoned town.

162.

2012-03-03T02:14:00.000-07:00

I think I'll always stand by the idea that a girl who doesn't have a lot girlfriends is usually a huge red flag.

Also, the conversation including, "he did the same thing to me too!" with other women is getting quite old. Men, this is too small of a city to do the same thing to many, many girls. Especially those many, many girls who are of the same age and same neighborhood, who like to hang out at the same places.

It seems as though I am losing hope for humanity - however, my co-workers and true friends remind me that I shouldn't. Cheers to that.

It's supposed to be almost 60 on Sunday and Monday. Happy March, all! (We'll just forget about yesterday's snow, OK?)

161.

2012-02-29T23:39:00.004-07:00

I think I'm going to start a blog about the crazy people I encounter here in downtown Boise. Whether its walking home from work, or riding my bike to a coffee shop, someone ALWAYS does something strange. Example A: a homeless man stopped me on the street to explain to me the fights he's been in recently and the battle wounds from each encounter. He then kissed my hand (it happened wayyyy to fast) and asked if he could call me "little sister". Example B: Lindsay and I were in the Flying M yesterday, and this haggardly regular got up to put his backpack on. Coffee then proceeds to pour out of his bag from some hidden location. He has no idea this is happening until a girl notifies him. All he says is, "Oh, how did that happen?" (I was too busy holding back a big LOL session.) Why do funny things happen when it would be rude for me to laugh? Life can be so cruel to someone who is really good at laughing.

All in a 24-hour span's time, let me tell you.

Kind of obsessed with this song. I forgot how much I love these guys:

I am spending most of this week copy editing my job's 40-page book for an upcoming awards ceremony. My brain is so happy.

PS: The tax return gods are going to be so, so good to me this year! I do plan on saving most of it (I figured that was a good adult thing to do), but I do plan on purchasing new TOMs, new iPod player for vehicle, an amazing Anthropologie outfit, a trip to Portland and maybe another tattoo with part of my return. Hurray!

160.

2012-02-25T18:33:00.002-07:00

"Talkin' World War III Blues" - Bob Dylan

Some time ago a crazy dream came to me
I dreamt I was walkin’ into World War Three
I went to the doctor the very next day
To see what kinda words he could say
He said it was a bad dream
I wouldn’t worry ’bout it none, though
They were my own dreams and they’re only in my head
I said, “Hold it, Doc, a World War passed through my brain”
He said, “Nurse, get your pad, this boy’s insane”
He grabbed my arm, I said, “Ouch!”
As I landed on the psychiatric couch
He said, “Tell me about it”
Well, the whole thing started at 3 o’clock fast
It was all over by quarter past
I was down in the sewer with some little lover
When I peeked out from a manhole cover
Wondering who turned the lights on
Well, I got up and walked around
And up and down the lonesome town
I stood a-wondering which way to go
I lit a cigarette on a parking meter and walked on down the road
It was a normal day
Well, I rung the fallout shelter bell
And I leaned my head and I gave a yell
“Give me a string bean, I’m a hungry man”
A shotgun fired and away I ran
I don’t blame them too much though, I know I look funny
Down at the corner by a hot-dog stand
I seen a man
I said, “Howdy friend, I guess there’s just us two”
He screamed a bit and away he flew
Thought I was a Communist
Well, I spied a girl and before she could leave
“Let’s go and play Adam and Eve”
I took her by the hand and my heart it was thumpin’
When she said, “Hey man, you crazy or sumpin’
You see what happened last time they started”
Well, I seen a Cadillac window uptown
And there was nobody aroun’
I got into the driver’s seat
And I drove down 42nd Street
In my Cadillac. Good car to drive after a war
Well, I remember seein’ some ad
So I turned on my Conelrad
But I didn’t pay my Con Ed bill
So the radio didn’t work so well
Turned on my record player—
It was Rock-a-day Johnny singin’, “Tell Your Ma, Tell Your Pa
Our Love’s A-gonna Grow Ooh-wah, Ooh-wah”
I was feelin’ kinda lonesome and blue
I needed somebody to talk to
So I called up the operator of time
Just to hear a voice of some kind
“When you hear the beep it will be three o’clock”
She said that for over an hour
And I hung up
Well, the doctor interrupted me just about then
Sayin’, “Hey I’ve been havin’ the same old dreams
But mine was a little different you see
I dreamt that the only person left after the war was me
I didn’t see you around”
Well, now time passed and now it seems
Everybody’s having them dreams
Everybody sees themselves
Walkin’ around with no one else
Half of the people can be part right all of the time
Some of the people can be all right part of the time
But all of the people can’t be all right all of the time
I think Abraham Lincoln said that
“I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours”
I said that

In interviews Bob Dylan said he didn't like being called a poet because he hates the word - but how is he not?! Man, what a stud.

The way the wind is tossing up this city is how my stomach feels right now.

159.

2012-02-20T18:13:00.004-07:00

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

I'm ready for a new season (literally, and figuratively).

I've been thinking recently about what it means to follow God - my theology has changed so much it seems. What it comes down to is Hope. Something carries me through each day, good or bad, and that's what Hope does. I know I will never be at the end of my rope. I will always be taken care of. I believe this Hope spreads into how we should treat others. Think about it: what if we treated everyone in a way that encouraged them to have this same Hope we have? Woah. I know for myself, I need some control of the tongue. Sometimes the things I say don't scream, "I have Hope!".

I want to see M83 live...and dance, dance, dance.

158.

2012-02-15T01:05:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am naive, but it seems like all the new people I've met in this city that I've given the benefit of the doubt to have ended up not deserving it. I miss hanging out with legitimate human beings.

My deal-breakers list is growing rapidly, as are my aspirations to create a Boise DND (Do Not Date) Registry.

157.

2012-02-10T00:24:00.001-07:00

WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN VALENTINE'S DAY.

As you read that title, I'm sure you assume the reason why I don't believe in Valentine's Day is because I am a bitter, heartbroken 20-something pissed off to be single on February 14. While your assumption is fair (and would make sense given my track record), it is not true.

I would first like to say that I fully believe that no one is misunderstood. Young people are really good at the whole, "you don't get me" or "no one understands what it's like to be in my shoes" kind of thing. I beg to differ, and I think it's a pretty selfish mindset. I say all this because I know people will relate to my Valentine's Day manifesto of sorts. I'm not presenting new information, and none of the following is even somewhat mind-blowing. It just so happens that a significant event in my life occurred on February 14.

On February 14, 2008, my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. On June 23, 2009, he passed away.

If you're one of three people that will probably read this, you know how much this one person impacted my life and the value of his legacy on my soul. So for me, Valentine's Day is not Valentine's Day. It's simply the anniversary of a day that changed everything - for Brad, for Brad's family, for Brad's friends and for me. If Brad would have survived, I think Valentine's Day would be more of party. (Sometimes things don't end up that way, though.) Had it been February 13, or February 15, I would feel the same way about those days.

Valentine's Day is supposed to be romantic and lovey-dovey, which is stressful in itself for some, but I have a challenge - think about the people you care about; the people you love. Make sure they know every single day that you love them - not just on Valentine's Day. It's strange to think that Valentine's Day 2009, Brad was cancer free, which we all thought was for good, and then a year later he would be in Heaven. If there is one thing I know - it is to share as much love as possible with the people I care about. Sometimes really, really sad things happen. February 14 reminds me of that.

And I'm sure you get it. Statistics show that every American will know of someone in their lifetime diagnosed with cancer. If you've lost someone in your life, you understand what I'm saying. You have your own version of my Valentine's Day - that day that is so much different from any other day. You remember where you were when you got the news. You remember who was with you, what time of day it was, or perhaps even what you were wearing. And for some, there may be more than one of those days.

I don't believe in Valentine's Day as some sort of romantic, greeting card holiday. I better not get engaged on that day. I will never be depressed about being single on that day, either. To me, this red and pink holiday us Americans celebrate does not exist. Instead, it's just another day to keep on loving and caring - and more importantly, remembering.

And this is why I don't believe in Valentine's Day anymore. Sure, February 14 exists, but to me, the holiday died when Brad did. I see no reason to celebrate this superficial holiday anymore. It's some strange kind of anniversary now.

Now go love those people in your life. And maybe it's no big deal if you're single on the 24 hours of Valentine's Day.

156.

2012-02-06T00:24:00.001-07:00

Never take for granted the simple things; like unclogged sinks or bed frames in working order. Call them "first world problems," but I have never been so thankful for a bed that doesn't wobble, squeak or randomly decide to come a part - and just $15 later!

As much as I love my job, weekends still feel so short. Actually, I think I need a week to gather up all the hours of sleep missed in last six years. Yeah, I think that's it.

There's a line from a song on the Juno soundtrack that says, "I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with". Yeah.

155.

2012-02-01T23:31:00.001-07:00

A current minor roommate frustration caused me to make this - partly for venting, partly for LOLz. Is it so wrong to expect fellow adults to want to have a clean, respectable home? Good thing these same roommates are so lovable.

Since payday is Friday, I have some serious chores for the weekend - but most importantly, a new bed frame. If Craigslist can find me a full size frame and mattress for under $100, I may upgrade from a twin. Oh, it's possible. I've seen it. I want a big girl bed!

154.

2012-01-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am considering a blog entitled, "Because life wouldn't be exciting if it went according to plan." Or, perhaps a ridiculous blog based on an "anonymous" girl's encounters with the opposite sex. LOL worthy for sure.

Reason for current heavy heart: sitting and talking with someone who is clearly interested and the only thing you're thinking is how much you wish it were someone else you were sitting down for a drink with. That someone else is on the other side of the room, and you know they're watching. Oh Lord, if only they could read your eyes so blatantly saying, "it's not what you think."

I LOVE a good political movement. This weekend was the Add the Words rally at the state capital. Did you know Idaho's Human Rights Act does not include anything about sexual orientation or gender identity? This means, for instance, that companies can legally fire someone based on these things. Idaho is seriously behind the times - neighboring states are legalizing gay marriage right now! Anyway, the rally was very inspiring as we desperately ask Idaho lawmakers to wake up and add these crucial words to the act!

Song of the week-
"Travel as Equals" by Joseph Arthur. I N T E N S E!

153.

2012-01-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Theraflu,

You don't taste very good, and I don't believe you when you say you taste like honey and lemon. However, your relaxing powers are worth the struggle. I may even consider drinking you when I am not sick. You make me feel so cuddly.

Sincerely,
A pleasantly surprised consumer

P.S: Pretty sure the only way I'd appreciate snow would be if I were snowed in with a sexy man at a secluded cabin in the mountains where we had no choice but to cuddle in a large bed while listening to Bon Iver. Yeah, I just said that.

152.

2012-01-23T23:03:00.001-07:00

I was walking home this evening and was feeling rather philosophical. It was raining slightly, though the rain felt more like baby pieces of ice. I was admiring each northend home as I usually do. And then, this song came on my iPod. I have heard it many times, but for some reason, this time it made me very emotional.

"Helplessness Blues" - Fleet Foxes

If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

I have not a single thing to complain about. I can feel that flower I used to be sprout again. More on that later.

151.

2012-01-19T00:18:00.001-07:00

"my, what a mess you made!"
i told the Sky today,
"these mushy mountains embrace my feet
and they aren't allowed to do that!"
the Sky smiled with its reply,
"what seems unerving
can be good, dear daughter.
let the mountains pile up!
i have blessed this mess indeed."

150.

2012-01-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

That awkward moment when the Occupy Boise camper, whom of which you gave your fake name of "Jessica" to, is someone you would actually see almost every single day downtown...and you forgot to answer to the name "Jessica". Oh, and then that more awkward moment when though they are homeless, they still buy you a beer which you accept. (And now you just feel like a jerk.)

That awkward moment when you brag about not having to pay your electricity bill, and soon after your rental company sends you a nasty letter about your electricity usage. (And now you just feel like a wasteful American.)

That awkward moment when you forgot you raised your bicycle seat four inches and the first time mounting the bicycle you think you may not be able to reproduce anymore. (And now you're afraid to ride in public in fear of appearing even less graceful than usual.)

That awkward moment that you rave about how much you love Martin Luther King, Jr., that you realize you booked your hair appointment at the same time as the MLK capitol rally. (And now you think it would be fitting to get a small dog to fit in your purse, because you feel that ridiculous.)

PS: I'm totes going to kill someone if I see anymore of that silly shorthand. It's supes annoying! Obvs.

149.

2012-01-12T20:45:00.003-07:00

A MANIFESTO TO MYSELF: THE WOES OF A 20-SOMETHING. PT I
(AKA the assurance i need that yes, life is good.)

over the past year and a half, it has been a strange realization knowing that the search for where i'm wanting to be has stopped. i loved NNU and i loved portland, but it always seemed i wanted to be in the other place when i simply couldn't be. i've thought about moving to a city where i don't know anyone, but nothing seems worth the risk. the truth is, i don't want to be anywhere else. and while it seems most of my identity crisis has occurred while living in this city, this should not be considered a reason for leaving. at least for now, moving would not be a viable option just because life is frustrating me. (talk about irrational decisions!!) and with that, i give you this:

things i have realized recently/things i am working on:
learn to love where you live. if you stop loving where you live, leave.
and stop running from your problems*. (these are the only times i consider leaving. dumb.)
learning to be content with who you are.
a happy woman is a beautiful woman.
having passion in what you do for a living makes a huge difference. (and oh so thankful for that.)
saying too much is ~~usually~~ always a bad idea.
pretending not care prevents you from getting hurt, and hurts others.
missed opportunities because of fears from your past are simply unfortunate. don't let them happen again.

*= my problems are itty bitty. this realization makes me feel oh-so-ridiculous.

essentially, since everyone i know is too nice to slap me, this is my attempt at slapping myself. sorry for wasting everyone's time. this is a discussion with myself that has been needed for a while. to anyone reading this, which according to google stats, are mainly people from india and russia, may you be encouraged to not be crazy like me. live and think simply - just enjoy the ride.

148.

2012-01-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

quick! name ten songs that you fell in love with the first time you heard them.

- "re:stacks" by bon iver
- "honey and the moon" by joseph arthur
- "the city lights" by umbrellas
- "start a war" by the national
- "i've just seen a face" by the beatles
- "keep you right" by blind pilot
- "fake palindromes" by andrew bird
- "upward over the mountain" by iron & wine
- "down in the valley" by the head and the heart
- "sprawl II (mountains beyond mountains)" by arcade fire

don't you love songs like that, though? the first time you hear them you get chills, and you must know who sings them right away. and then, of course, they land on a bazillion mix cds.

it's nice working somewhere i constantly feel honored to help with whatever tasks need to get done. it's quite a change to work at a place you're passionate about. thank you, Lord. at least i learned patience in this area of my life. as for others...

<s>turns out i sabotage things. i know i screwed this one up - but i have no idea to what extent. things were going fine, and then i decided to be crazy. i hate baggage. i am so bad at this. if i were you, i'd lose interest too. (because that's what happened, right?) curse word, curse word, curse word. everyone, please listen: do not ever consult me for love advice.</s>

147.

2012-01-01T22:08:00.001-07:00

i'm beginning to think that my idea "things going as planned" doesn't exist. i'm not complaining, i'm just moderately humored.

here's to a ridiculous new year's ever, and a hopefully less ridiculous 2012. oh, and second chances. (whew!) how about that for starters?

I keep you in a flower vase
With your fatalism and your crooked face
With the daisies and the violet brocades
And I keep me in a vacant lot
In the ivy and forget-me-nots
Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days
-Josh Ritter

in other news, so happy to be writing poetry about new life things. more on that later.

146.

2011-12-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

dear 2011,

if december is any sort of good omen, 2012 is going to cream you. in fact, the majority of you does not exist to me any longer.

i have a fantastic party to attend to tonight, and you can suck it.

and i'll leave you with this:

good bye, 2011. forever. thank the Lord.

145.

2011-12-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks a new beginning: I start my new job. Of course, my OCD is going crazy over the fact that my routine will be completely changed. (Dear OCD, stop it.) Anyway, I am a bit nervous so please keep me in your thoughts! No one likes being the new kid.

Also, where the heck did this sickness come from? Such awful timing.

And can I just say that I love this song? ("Keep your Right" by Blind Pilot)

I am so glad Christmas is over.
I am so glad I don't have to rely on my car anymore.

I am so glad for many, many things. I hope Dec. 2011 is a good omen for 2012.

144.

2011-12-23T10:00:00.001-07:00

today, at this very second, i no longer work at my old job and i haven't yet started my new job. i am so happy to have a few days of Christmas break before i start this new adventure. i am so thankful for employment.

drew and i braved the mall last night. i consider it a success:

sweetest Christmas story ever: drew bought david a new coat for Christmas because david didn't have a nice one to wear about town. the look on his face when he received it was priceless. and again everyone, tell me why loving another human being is so wrong.

(and to you - thank you for wanting to hang out with me in public places in the evening, rather than your bedroom as some others have been in the past. this makes me feel like you want to get to know me and that you respect me. oh, and thank you for hugging me in the middle of northend streets at 2:30am. you have reminded me there is hope for your gender. i wouldn't mind going on late night walks with you every night.)

143.

2011-12-17T21:14:00.001-07:00

five shifts left until my life changes. let's celebrate! click here to get your own.

142.

2011-12-15T00:21:00.001-07:00

it's amazing how much knowing there's an end in sight has changed my overall quality of life. i feel like i'm finally getting out of this rut i've been stuck in since march. i feel a sense of purpose to my life once again. i know my heart is back to its full blooming state, and i know this new job is perfect for me. and as for my heart that was severely damaged this year - it's at 100% again. i feel like i'm loving, and lovable, again. everything is turning around. thank You for giving me patience, Lord. somehow i've been able to wait this long.

this evening i'm thankful for men who actually care about what's going on in your life and actually show timidity toward how they treat you when you are alone with them. it's nice to not be seen as someone to "conquer". i've come to really, really appreciate that. every woman deserves this.

this evening i'm also thankful for best friends and two-hour long, much needed conversations. i feel complete again.

i'm so happy, i could cry.

141.

2011-12-08T23:46:00.001-07:00

hm. how do i say this? oh, i know. i put in my two week's notice today. i start my job in admin support at a local non-profit after christmas.

turning over new leaves right and left!

also, people searched these phrases this week on google and somehow landed on this blog. i have one word: AWESOME.

140.

2011-12-04T19:32:00.001-07:00

hm. not too much to say except i got my first speeding ticket on monday. i really need to stop driving. either my car does something expensive, or i do. that, and singing "champagne supernova" with the boise bearded folk on friday, i'd say this past week was an entertaining one.

it's just really unfortunate another situation is controlling me emotionally, and even physically. so many people are relying me and i am not in a position to be relied on. i'm too busy trying to find something new. i'm going to end up disappointing them, or worse, disappointing myself. i just really wish the head and the heart would come back here. seeing them live always helps me forget about the stressful circumstances. i'd rather just be dancing.

139.

2011-11-27T23:20:00.001-07:00

lots of winds of change are on the rise. i can sense it. i physically feel it in the pit of my stomach too, or maybe that's just the back of my mind reminding me tomorrow is monday. either way, i need consistency, and i need to be more consistent. everything seems so unsettling; i feel such a lack of stability in so many areas of life. and i don't know who that girl was that was with my family this weekend, but she was luh-ame. (at least the past 24 hours left my thanksgiving break on a high note.)

so what's my problem? i need to stop disappointing so many people i care about, that's what. i'm taking out car stress, relationship stress and job stress on others and that is not cool.

i truly believe this new year will be far more monumental. i seriously think there is something wrong with 2011 for me. i've never felt like less of a blooming flower.

i'll be fine. i'm just stuck - and now, i feel like i really suck, too. so it goes. Lord bless these rough patches.

songs for the week:
"broadripple is burning" by margot and the nuclear so and so's
"change of days" by smith's cloud

138.

2011-11-19T18:13:00.001-07:00

as for me, i am thankful for life experiences that come with valuable teachings about growing up. some of this year's life experiences have completely shattered my world and what i used to believe. i am thankful to now be more understanding, and less ignorant because of those experiences. i know where i stand, and what i believe more than ever.

i am also thankful to live in a city like this - and more importantly, this neighborhood. if there's one thing i always come back to, it's that this location makes me genuinely happy. one of my biggest worries following NNU was settling on a place and always wanting to be somewhere else. as for now in my life (at least), this certainly isn't the case.

i do attribute God to these things. i truly believe He is showing me the woman He wants me to be. as His child, i know He wants me to be happy. i trust Him to take care of me. and though usually my version of happiness does not always align with His, i am always taken care of. i know this to be my faith - what i believe. maybe this is too "loose and liberal" for some, but oh well. everything about life is so much more than where i choose to be sunday morning.

and with that, everybody, i say happy thanksgiving.
PS: and a big HOLLLAAA for my four-day weekend coming up.

137.

2011-11-16T23:27:00.001-07:00

for those of you who know my classy broad vehicle estelle, i am sorry to inform you that she is not doing well. i knew something was up at 9:55am today when steam rolled out from under her hood at an alarmed rate and her blessed antifreeze made an ocean of toxins all around her in my work parking lot.

and so, i called dad crying. again.
and she was towed. again.
and she went to bob's mechanic shop. again.
and is costing me a lot of money. again. ($800-900 this time.)

this time it was especially unfortunate because for about half the day my dad and i believed she would have to be *ahem* taken to the junk yard. i shudder to think of such things. luckily, this is not the case and she'll be back in my possession by friday. in the words of bobango, "estelle's become a b*tch with her old age." true that.

last entry i said i felt like everything i knew didn't exist anymore. joke's on me - i almost lost my beloved vehicle whom i've known since i was eight years old today.

today i am thankful for a dad who is now in proximity to help me with these problems.
today i am thankful for a dad who is loaning me the money to fix estelle. (i knew i shouldn't have gone into anthropologie.)
today i am thankful for a dad who will be taking me to and from work the rest of the week.

car troubles suck, but i can't help but feel so blessed. things could definitely be worse. however, i'm on a serious budget, so everyone please be a pal and hold me accountable. i'll have my dad all paid back by early january if i can be responsible.

and yes, don't you talk about your vehicle as if they are human also?

we've come a long way, baby.

136.

2011-11-15T23:30:00.001-07:00

sorry to go all indie film on your guys, but have you ever felt like everything you knew was now gone? (queue the obscure folk band now.)

starting over isn't always bad, but i sure am uncomfortable right now.

2011 has been way, waaaaaay too strange for me.

thank you Lord for employment!!!!
thank you Lord for warm jackets.
thank you Lord for heated homes.
thank you Lord for full pantries.

i hope winter is extra kind to those who don't have these things this year.

135.

2011-11-13T17:51:00.002-07:00

i just went on what is probably my last bike ride until spring. (sigh.) i was looking pretty BA in my black bomber jacket and hobo gloves, though. actually, i could ride my bike all year long. i just need to be less of a baby.

this weekend reminded me that i don't miss nampa. at all. nope. this is a big deal - i used to love nampa. sometimes i think i've had three lives in my 23-year old life. life I: age 1-17; life II: 18-21; life III: 22-present. what's sad is that sometimes i don't even remember what is was like to be in those previous lives. maybe that's what life is supposed be like, though. (or maybe i'm just growing up.)

this song has been stuck in my head all week - and the title describes me well right now, i believe.

this evening i feel blessed to have income - and i know i will have income this week. i have learned some others aren't so lucky on this day and i cannot even imagine. 'tis unfortunate how stressful money really is. we can say it doesn't control our lives all we want, but it does. thank you, Lord. i must learn to thank You for this more often.

134.

2011-11-09T22:32:00.009-07:00

i'll just be honest: i don't like the holidays. i'm sorry, but i don't. the biggest reason is that i hate winter weather. thanksgiving is OK, but i get sick of christmas pretty quick. i'm always secretly happy when december 26 rolls around. i just feel like life gets too out of whack during the holidays and i miss normalcy too much. maybe that makes me a debbie downer, but i don't care. i always said my favorite holiday is the 4th of july.

however! i do like new year's eve.
here it is mid-november, and i have had a disappointing run with my new year's resolutions. i still have about 45 days, i suppose. at least i can finish strong, right?

-eat better (mediocre passing grade - subway is better than jack in the box...but still.)*
-exercise more (passing grade - i walk and ride my bike whenever possible.)*
-learn how to change a tire on my car (fail. i haven't even replaced my spare yet.)
-save my money. (serious, serious fail. no further comment.)
-get a credit card. (well, i still don't have one so...)
* = indicates horribly cliche resolution

can't wait to cook up some good 2012 ones.
here's one to start: only kiss deserving men. and definitely get a credit card.

133.

2011-11-06T20:36:00.004-07:00

man, what a successful weekend. four hours in a hipster bar and i'm a silly school girl about it. it's no secret i am extremely attracted to hipsters. gosh, i love this city.

please see this website which i pulled this ridiculously awesome cartoon from. it gets even more wonderful from there.

132.

2011-11-04T23:13:00.009-06:00

i've written some mediocre haikus recently.

----------------------------------------
i am twenty-three,
and so hopelessly in love -
this city stole me.
---

i think my heart died,
but i don't think yours ever lived.
so which one has lost?
---

one day walls will fall,
and you'll see the mess you made -
all in a day's work.
---

know what you believe,
and tie it to tops of trees -
safety 'till autumn.
---

intimacy comes
with the proof of dire wanting -
curly-haired fool.
---

wolves so handsome
are no sort of sheep, you see.
their shepherd has fled.
---

but by human arms,
i will surely not be saved.
just One is enough.
---

for what killed you,
still keeps your soul alive -
morning for mourning.
----------------------------------------

songs for your weekend:
"start a war" - the national
"moving to mars" - coldplay
"shake it out" - florence + the machine (new theme song)
"graveyard" - feist
"my sweet lord" - george harrison

131.

2011-11-03T19:53:00.004-06:00

worst part of being sick? 10 hours of missed payroll.
best part of being sick? THIS HAIR.

the stats:
- (2) 32 fl. oz. fruit punch gatorades
- (1) serving of chicken top ramen
- (1) serving of chicken and rice soup
- (4) pieces of halloween candy
- 15 HOURS of sleep (and it's only 8pm!)

i should have really gone to the doctor today.

130.

2011-11-01T11:33:00.000-06:00

from our home to yours - we hope your halloween was festive, fun and safe.

hooray for days off to spend with dad. oh, and a big-time hooray for this new florence + the machine album. (there have been so many excellent albums this year!)

now it's time to be excited and festive for thanksgiving, because christmas is almost two months away. to the the radio station already playing christmas music, shame on you.

129.

2011-10-27T23:16:00.002-06:00

"sloth"
the lost passion sits,
to be idle no longer
would be sweet freedom.

----

funny how some people are placed in your life. i was at ignite boise this evening, and one of our boise newscasters sat next to me. we started discussing journalism and life in general, and then he asked for my contact information. maybe it's a start, or maybe just a bit of encouragement. either way, things seem a bit brighter. maybe my brain isn't dead after all.

OK God, i get it. i know You're there. there's a method to this madness.

"my scarecrow dreams;
when they smashed my heart into smithereens.
i be a bright red rose come bursting the concrete"
-coldplay, "charlie brown"

128.

2011-10-26T19:41:00.000-06:00

advice for my unborn daughter part I:

-don't let a boy kiss you until he buys you dinner first.
-find a gay man to be one of your best friends.
-buy a sweater dress, to wear with sweater tights. winter can be cute, you know.
-wear lipstick. it's only scary the first five times.
-don't play stupid to get attention from boys.
-if you have curly hair, rock it curly. if you have straight hair, rock it straight.
-be less awkward than your mother when a cute boy smiles at you.
-fall in love with a city, and learn everything about it.
-become a regular in your favorite local businesses.
-discover the liberation of going to movies by yourself.
-go to college and become dedicated to several different clubs.
-drink plain lattes and cappuccinos.
-"don't criticize what you can't understand." - bob dylan

127.

2011-10-25T22:12:00.000-06:00

quite possibly the most dumb thing i did this weekend was raking up the leaves in the yard, because the next day it looked like i never did it. joke's on me (again). hmmm let's see... oh! got the pumpkins carved - the only thing left to do before the holiday is to make my peter pan costume. i have to somehow sew a hat and a shirt-dress-thing. i love halloween. i love autumn in this city.

this weekend my parents told me they get the keys to their new house on thursday! hurray! i am so happy for them and their little idaho fairytale coming true. mom said i can help interior decorate which is a definite plus. (i'm just sad i'm not going ~~home~~ to portland for christmas.)

i will say this: coming in to work on wednesday after a weekend is much better than coming in on a monday. there is just something about mondays - i think they should be reserved for naps or something. it almost feels like a crime waking up on that wretched day. maybe tomorrow at 6am will feel like monday, and if that's the case, joke is on me yet again.

i am considering being a high school journalism teacher - and then i could be the adviser for the school's newspaper and yearbook. that would be kinda cool, yeah? i could teach students to care about the world around them to make them read the newspaper. and who doesn't love hanging out with the eccentric newspaper kids? i think i would enjoy that. (wait, can high schools still afford have newspapers and yearbooks?)

sometimes i really miss spending time with girls.
sometimes i get angry that the last person i kissed was a douche bag - and that was in april.
sometimes i forget i have a bachelor's degree.
sometimes i pretend that i don't need new tires. (not smart, andrea. not smart.)
sometimes i freak out that i am 23. that just seems so old, and i feel like i should have so much more accomplished.
sometimes i consider gradschool at BSU.

126.

2011-10-23T23:47:00.003-06:00

dear coldplay,

i am listening to your new album right now and my arm hair is sticking straight up. i have chills. i know that's a cliche phrase, but i mean it. i am completely mesmerized by what i am hearing. thank you for not disappointing, yet again. i have waited since 2008 to experience another lovely album by you and it is well worth the wait. as a lady who doesn't like change, you always keep your dreamy piano-guitar-ballads in tact. OMG take me now.

love you long time,
andrea

PS: but why is rihanna on this album?

i love you. i love you. i love you.

125.

2011-10-21T23:59:00.001-06:00

john lennon is/was so fascinating. i think this is my new favorite song:

yet another reason i was born in the wrong decade...

124.

2011-10-21T01:21:00.002-06:00

i have four of the next five days off, and i won't complain. i'm in need of a night's rest that has no deadline. (and so, i have now powered off my cell phone. it feels great.)

i know i posted this on facebook, but i just think i am so funny for creating this:

things to do this weekend:
-craft
-enjoy 70 degree, late october weather
-hunt for a new life changer (as usual)
-help roommate find a peacoat
-continue being annoyed with occupy boise people
-go on three northend runs
-carve pumpkins with roommates
-purchase new coldplay album

123.

2011-10-16T22:50:00.004-06:00

i hate it when people tell me to stop doing what makes me unhappy and start doing what makes me happy.

1) i'm not sure what would make me happy
2) the economy isn't allowing me the opportunity to find out

i know God has something cookin' up for me, i just hope i have enough sanity to wait that long. and yes, i have been vague about this unhappiness just in case of the eyes that land upon this blog - but this unhappiness has unfortunately absorbed my life. thus, i blog.

on a lighter note: sorry to go all girly-hipster on everyone, but i LOVE the new tights + oxfords fashion trend. i just got a pair that looks like this, and i can't wait to wear them with gray textured tights.

this weekend, i sadly missed boise's "slut walk". now don't get all up in arms, kiddos. the idea is to raise awareness about rape, and that it is never a woman's fault. for instance: while i don't personally dress provocatively (though i've been told my use of leggings is inappropriate), just because a woman dresses scantily clad does not mean she deserves to be raped. no one deserves to be treated in such a way no matter who they are, how they dress or how they act. anyway, i think it's a great movement. holla!

on the topic of andrea being opinionated, i will say this: i'm sick of the "down with the system" occupy wall street people. i feel like these people, whom of which probably do not study politics or government, are expecting some sort of hand out. it's as if they think the government will open up the skies and let dollar bills fall from the clouds. do they think the government is pulling a prank on us and there's a lot of extra money floating around? if there's one thing i don't like about americans, it's the sense of entitlement we all sometimes have. and as if this isn't enough, i wish these protesters would have some sort of solution - it would make their arguments so much more valid. honestly, i feel like it's a bunch of young people wanting to fight against something because that's what cool, young people do. i'll protest for the rights of gay people, i'll protest against the war and i'll protest for the stop of the rape culture, but not this. no way, man. and let's not forget this: no matter how low minimum wage is in your state, you still make much more than most of the world.

well, it's almost monday. i have my coffee pot armed.

PS: loving flying m lattes and cappuccinos (no flavoring). ah, yes - the perfect mix of espresso and dairy. one of many reasons i'm not sure i will; be ready to ever leave this lovely city.

(and just because my media law class senior year of college scared the crap out of me, i will say this: i do not claim copyright to either of these images posted. they are not my work, and if the creator would like me to credit them, please let me know.)

122.

2011-10-13T07:01:00.003-06:00

dear God,

i know this is not what you have intended for me to do forever. (370 days feels like that sometimes, though.) if You could just give me a glimmer of hope that there's winds of change in the upcoming days, that would be lovely. i feel like i'm just running on fumes. i know You remember who i was 2009-2010, and i know who i am in 2011 is so far from it. i think You know this too. help me to feel like that again. i've tried to fix it myself the past nine months and of course, i haven't been so lucky. give me something new to use my passionate heart for. yeah, i really need You, especially now. help me from feeling permanently discouraged.

sincerely,
andrea

121.

2011-10-11T23:16:00.000-06:00

you know what is total lamesauce? my most common blog tags used to be "blessings" and "God". now it's "rants and raves".

120.

2011-10-08T22:27:00.001-06:00

broken power circuit in laptop: $87.63
new fuel pump + towing for vehicle: $437.30
learning why it's important to save your money: priceless.
having an awesome dad who helped you with both problems: priceless, too.

one-year anniversaries at work.
many flying m pumpkin lattes. or simple cappuccinos.

appreciating boise's autumn weather. (and remembering how awful portland autumns are.)

yeah, this was my week.

car troubles, computer troubles, moving/ex-roommate/friend troubles, relationship troubles, work troubles. 2011 really hasn't been my year, that's for sure. i say: bring it on, 2012! i just wish you'd get here sooner...

i like this song:

PS: saw the movie "50/50" today. two and a half years later and i still can barely sit through a movie about cancer.

119.

2011-10-02T00:51:00.000-06:00

this evening i was enjoying boise's nightlife and the good company of bobango when a young man told me "i needed Jesus" (verbatim) and handed me a tract.

apparently i didn't get the memo that people who wander in downtown boise during the weekend between the hours of 9pm and 2am indicate they need Jesus enough for others to tell them so.

they are right; i do need Jesus. however, so do people who wander downtown boise on a week day on their lunch break. people in other cities and countries need Jesus too. those people who told me i need Jesus need Jesus just as much. i'm so glad to belive in a God who loves us all equally!

see, when these people only do their ministry while boise's nightlife is hopping, it assumes one thing: that these people think those participating in the nightlife need Jesus more than they do - and more than anyone else. i want to see these people downtown during all hours of the day, and throughout the week. (i'm glad i was ballsy enough to say that to one of them.)

i don't think God ever intended this to be an accurate model of how He wants His people to share the good news. had i not been a christian, my experience tonight would never want me to believe in God. this is the exact reason why i am hesitant to call myself a christian - i am embarrassed.

i want my religion back.

118.

2011-09-29T21:31:00.001-06:00

in the short time of living with a gay couple, we've had some great discussions about gender, sexuality and the like. with all this, i've come to realize something about myself.

i may feel like a BA on my men's roadbike. i may hate asking from help (though i secretly love it when men offer). i may not order a salad for dinner, and i may know how to check the oil in my car -- but i am extremely feminine. and i love that about myself.

i love crying during chick flicks. i love having smooth legs. i love putting on makeup. i love to wear dresses. i love to smell nice. i love being a woman. whatever - i get some girls don't shave their legs in protest to a society they believe confines females to a certain identity. but you know what? i like that identity. i don't feel oppressed, and i don't feel trapped. i enjoy taking time into my appearance. i like being treated like a lady. i like feeling dainty. i like being cared for. i like it when guys get awkward or shy around me. i just really love being female. i don't think there's anything wrong with any of these things. i'm happy, and that's awesome.

i guess what i'm saying is that sometimes these hippie-northend-braless girls who don't shave their legs and don't wash their hair give me these looks of disgust. is it because i'm wearing a 90% off anthropologie dress and that makes me lost and confused? am i some sort of embarrassment to my gender because i'm giving in to the archaic ideal of women being obsessed with their appearance? you know what i think is great about women? women who are comfortable and happy with who they are. hairy legs or not. you girl hippies can go back to drinking your PBR. i'll be over here deciding what color to paint my nails...and maybe drinking a PBR too.

HOLLA to all the ladies out there.

117.

2011-09-25T18:37:00.000-06:00

sigh. another weekend come and gone.

all i want to do right now is sit in front of the flying m, drink my dry cappuccino and watch the storm roll in (and then magically, it would be friday - and my weekend just started all over again. meh.)

things i love about idaho:
-summer storms
-how big the sky is
-how i can live downtown and still see stars
-september is still definitely a month of summer

i'm with many others right now when i say i love zooey deschanel's new comedy TV series, "new girl". it's such a great pick-me-up. it kind of makes me wish this house had TV so i wouldn't have to use hulu (which has become a bit lame lately).

random rant for the day: no one should ever feel like a burden for demanding respect. and shame on those who make others feel like a burden because they demand respect.

116.

2011-09-24T00:12:00.000-06:00

well gosh darn it, estelle somehow lost one of her side view mirrors (don't worry - just the glass part) today. if there is one thing i hate, it's when estelle looks trashy. AKA: missing hubcap, too dirty...etc.

i'm laying on my bed right now, my college degree is in sight. i caught myself helplessly staring at it. i know so many people my age doing amazing things with their degree. and then there's me. you may ask why i'm not doing something with my degree, and i'll tell you this: i know i don't want to be a journalist, but the trick is i do not know what i want in its place. all i know is that my life is becoming way too ordinary and i know exactly why. i need a change.

i would also like to apologize for my previous several entries. i've decided that i'm not going to find that person i deserve if i keep on wallowing in what happened to me this year. hooray for learning experiences. i will stop being the cliche main character from a chick flick now. i will also stop being cliche in my "OMG. i have been so emotionally damaged. i will never trust a man again!" mindset.

and finally - to the people who have viewed this blog using internet explorer or netscape, and i know this to be true from my daily stat update from blogger, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! are you stuck in 1999?

PS: loved this video.

115.

2011-09-20T23:14:00.000-06:00

As the woman says in Song of Songs, “My own vineyard is mine to give”. In the ancient Near East, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesn’t give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and she is not easy. Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.
from Rob Bell's book, Sex God

i cannot express enough how much this book has saved me this year. i know i rave about this book all the time, and i know this excerpt is a bit oprah-esque, but it's true. dear mr. bell, where can i find single, 20-something, post-modern thinkers like yourself? (i'm pretty sure my dream man is 1/3 rob bell, 1/3 josiah johnson from THATH and 1/3 joseph gordon-levitt.)

114.

2011-09-19T23:42:00.002-06:00

the fact that i like this song makes me feel like the ultimate hipster. where's my roadbike and favorite pale ale? oh wait...

it's got a nice groove, right? oh hey, this is fun. let's keep this light-hearted and in honor of music.

calculating stats since moving to the northend a year ago, my last.fm account brings you these musical results:
TOP FIVE BANDS OF THE YEAR
1. the head and the heart
2. bon iver
3. coldpay
4. death cab for cutie
5. iron & wine

TOP SONG OF THE YEAR
"down in the valley" by head and the heart

TOP ALBUM OF THE YEAR
"a rush of blood to the head" by coldplay (i am rather surprised. coldplay has been on the back burner since the head and the heart came to boise. that, and the new bon iver album is to die for. but hey, it's a good album nonetheless - timeless, even.)

113.

2011-09-18T16:49:00.012-06:00

how do you forgive someone who has hurt you more than anyone else ever has - and they don't even have any remorse?

i need more Jesus. or allow me to rephrase: Jesus needs more of me.

one of these days i'll be able to say what i really think to someone's face without my voice cracking or my stomach doing flip flops. as for now, my heart is far too heavy to even leave this room. why did God allow this to happen to me? it's been six months - why do i still feel like this?

hurray for more forgiveness and more bravery (with time).

and with all this, i've decided to be a bit more vocal about a particular feminist kick i like to call, "sex is sexy only when it is without coercion or manipulation." people: it is also considered rape to convince someone to have sex with you when you use phrases like, "i have to be able to sleep with someone i am dating" etc. etc. i think there are many of us out there who are thinking, "that could have been me" (and we're the lucky ones!) sex was never intended to be like this. whatever "this" is - some phony version of intimacy mixed with disrespect - needs to stop.

112.

2011-09-16T09:35:00.004-06:00

i think fall came yesterday. i left work and the sky was gray, while yellow leaves danced across the street. i then decided it was a good idea to get a hot beverage from the flying m.

i have another 3-day weekend this week. i think it will be filled with hyde park street fair love and enjoying life in this city. i truly love boise. i think about this baby mid-life crisis i'm in, and i know it doesn't call for a change of location. i just need to change something else...and i'm on it!

today i am thankful for:
-parents who still feed me dinner even though i'm a big kid now.
-roommates and guy friends who remind me that i am something special despite recent affairs that told me otherwise.
-the peace and quiet one can find from a window ledge.
-new shows on hulu that make me genuinely laugh out loud (the explosive-andrea-laugh kind).
-this release from the new coldpay album due out oct. 24:

PS: i am very confident pat robertson is one of the most terrifying people on the planet. i think he is a monster. i fear for anyone who believes his ideals to be true.

111.

2011-09-11T14:47:00.003-06:00

i am not very patriotic. i enjoy participating in activities like voting, but beyond that, i'm the girl every redneck country boy would love to hate. (and i'm OK with that.)

thought #1: in some countries tragedies like 9/11 happen weekly.

thought #2: 9/11 was an event that marks us all as americans, some more than others, but i see it as proof that america is not invincible. we're not some super country. today doesn't remind me to be proud of how far we've come. in fact, lots of trouble has been caused on behalf of america because of 9/11. and for that, i'm more ashamed than anything. i cannot be proud of a country (and perhaps more so an administration) that entered countries on false pretenses and didn't even use just war theory. i cannot be proud of our retaliations. 9/11 changed the way our government deals with foreign policy -- which is at times, based out of fear. i think that is dangerous.

thought #3: i have a great amount of respect for the emergency crews who saved others that day, and for those who died while doing so. the bravery of the airplane crews and people on board should never be forgotten. for those who died on 9/11, my heart remembers them and their families. i do not respect, however, those who have killed others in the name of retaliation.

110.

2011-09-06T18:46:00.004-06:00

thoughts and ponderings:
-there are many definitions for the word "fabulous" apparently.
-hot butter rum americanos are delicious. iced butter rum americanos are not.
-u-locks are not for just any sort of bicycle rider.
-in the past year, i haven't decided who i want to be. but, i have decided who i don't want to be. i think that is some serious progress in this thing called life.
-it's true: there's such thing as catching the tattoo bug. i want the state of oregon and idaho somewhere now.
-is it worse to not miss anyone in your life, or to miss people who don't deserve it?
-there's something about the way a girl feels when she's wearing a brass razoo original.

cheers.

109.

2011-09-04T10:59:00.006-06:00

andrew, david and i are all moved in to our new place in hyde park. i love the home more and more each day. i truly do have the sweetest roommates. they treat me like a princess and have let me decorate the house as i please. it's been fun to see the house turn into a home. last night was my first experience with them where someone called them "faggots" from their car. i don't know why people care so much about how others live their lives.

i'll just be honest and say that i am not actively going to church right now. i've been let down by many people who call themselves christians, and have seen a lot of people i care about be let down, and i think in turn that makes church less of a priority for me. i love God, i know He loves me. i believe His plan for my life is what's best, and i know without God i truly would be living in hell. i trust God with my life and i have found true joy in following Him, and learning more about Him. however, unfortunately, people who call themselves Christians have made organized religion a bit of a turn off for me -- especially in the realm of homosexuality, and war. i guess i would say i've learned more about God and how He loves through means other than church. and really, i love the church i have been going to for the past year, but i don't really feel like i fit in anymore. i know my view of God is very different from most who actively go to church. and so, i am praying that i figure out what kind of church works for me, and where i feel like i don't have to pretend to be a different person. i don't think this makes me love God any less -- actually, i feel much closer to God than ever. i also think God understands this place in my life. this whole explanation wouldn't have made sense to me last summer, but part of growing up and growing spiritually means not always going with the flow. and for me, going to a church i'm not passionate about would be going with the flow. i couldn't think of a worse spirituality killer.

currently enjoying nada surf, a dry cappuccino and a parmesan bagel with sun dried tomato cream cheese at the flying m. here's to three-day weekends and feeling just a little bit of autumn in the air.

108.

2011-08-27T11:25:00.004-06:00

my fingers are raw from hammering nails and pushing in thumb tacks. my arms and back are sore from carrying countless boxes and even a bed frame and large dresser. yup, i really do hate moving. combine all this with 100 degree weather and i am pooped. (and i am so glad i am 80% done!) this year's moving experience has been especially terrible, which makes me consider living where i am for 10 years just to not go through the trouble anytime soon. but enough of the complaining - i've really enjoyed decorating my room and have become very pleased with the outcome in the past 24 hours. (can't i just decorate homes for a living?)

tomorrow the former roommateys and i are deep cleaning pueblo. after that, the pueblo era is officially over. last night i took over my last load to 13th. i kissed pueblo's front door and teared up a little. i truly believe i won't live in many homes better than pueblo. great porch, great neighbors, great roommates, CLAW FOOT TUB... sigh.

i think i have a 3-day weekend next week. between watching this new place come together and an actual long weekend, i have a few things to look forward to! oh, and autumn trees in the northend...

107.

2011-08-23T20:49:00.011-06:00

things to love.
fields that can't decide if they want to be green or yellow.
college kids back in the flying m. (and being mistaken as a BSU student.)
not feeling sorry for BSU students who are already studying in the flying m.
road trips that look like this:

small college towns with an overabundance of wonderful coffeeshops. (moscow)
friends who are genuinely happy with the new changes in their life.
friends i don't see that often, and being able to spend vacation with them:

still not being able to understand iPhones.
still not being impressed with google+.
signing new leases.
exploring the wonders of my new northend home.
appreciating the outdoors.
appreciating north idaho:

a looming change in seasons.
cats that don't have a piercing cry.
ambitions to get this moving done in 100 degree weather.
moving homes, moving offices. (everything will fade.)
appreciative customers.
wonderful sales associates that make we want to take the online surveys.
learning the value of saving my money...for those unexpected expenses.
feeling adult-like about the fact i have worked at the same place for almost a year.
feeling adult-like for successful home depot trips.
23 is great already.

soon i'll have a new home to blog about. i feel pretty blessed to have the keys and can move in as i please. i also feel pretty blessed to be employed right now. (move than ever.)

ps: thanks everyone for a great birthday. one of the most wonderful of birthdays in quite awhile.

106.

2011-08-18T17:47:00.003-06:00

hip, hip, hurray! my four-day vacation/weekend just began! david, andrew and i also made a lot of ground work on the home in hyde park we're renting today. we should have the keys by monday or tuesday. so much weight has been lifted. speaking of weight, now the job is getting those three chairs and two dressers to the new place. oh...and washer and dryer. bleh.

saw this outside the flying m today:

next time you'll hear from me, i'll be 23.
off to couer d'alene i go!

105.

2011-08-16T20:33:00.006-06:00

well, here's another reason i'm happy to not be in the journalism field. this news is quite a shame, i remember working with some of these people when i interned there. talk about no job security. today i am thankful for employment -- and not working in a dying industry. however, any inkling i had the past few months about getting back into writing just died. getting paid to do what you love, and then someone decides you can't anymore; that would kill me.

i really want to see this movie. i swore i'd never see another movie about cancer after brad passed away, but maybe this will be my turning point. i will say, however, i said out loud "not true!" when one of the characters said, "young people always beat cancer." believe me, i know otherwise.

soon the leaves will change,
and so will i.
don't worry 'bout me.
i am long gone.

104.

2011-08-15T21:59:00.003-06:00

things i do not understand:
-the new facebook chat.
-the only women interested in running for presidential office act like they have some sort of entitlement to the position because of their gender.
-how i've lived in pueblo for a year.
-how i've almost worked at the same place for a year.
-this sickness. whatever it is - the sore throat/achy bones/headache/ever-changing temperature business.
-how i'm going to be all moved out of here before august 30.
-why people want babies so bad.
-why my phone makes a light clicking sound when it receives a text.

"don't criticize what you can't understand." - bob dylan.

yeah, i guess he's right. except for the female presidential candidate one. i can criticize that all i want.

i leave pueblo oh-so-soon. :(

103.

2011-08-13T00:47:00.003-06:00

i was pretty ambitious with packing this evening and our home looks so depressing now. lindsay asked me what my favorite pueblo memory is, and i'll have to think about it. what a great place to spend a year, that's for sure. i will always remember this place. if only i was in a place in my life where i could offer to buy it from the owner. the woes of being a young adult with no credit history or good budgeting techniques...

soon i'll be settled in a new place.
soon i'll be in north idaho for a long weekend.
soon i'll be 23.
and soon, hopefully, i'll make another change and
life will be
different.
the kind of different i've needed.

one this is for sure: i still love this neighborhood, and this town.

i am currently obsessed with hipster ariel. i love it. to the clever brain who had this idea: you are amazing.

102.

2011-08-08T23:25:00.007-06:00

stop moping.
and start living.

shame on me.

-----

things to save up for:
- a U-lock for my bicycle. or maybe even a better bicycle.
-moving to seattle (2 yrs of savings)? portland (1 yr of savings)? san francisco (40 yrs of savings)? living on my own in the 83702 (done-ish)?
-maybe...not...living...in...america?
-macbook pro + adobe creative suite
-a dang good camera
-tuition for art classes? social work classes? public relations classes?
-health insurance. bleh.

but why these things? i'm just trying to figure out what i love, okay?
(i totally sound like a hipster. now where's my PBR?)

poor little pueblo is about to become much less of a home. le sigh.

101.

2011-08-07T22:55:00.009-06:00

i always meet to most interesting people in the flying m. it's certainly not a bad thing, i just find myself hours later thinking, "what the..." sometimes. hey, it keeps life exciting. today in particular, i met this californian surfer guy who is traveling around the northwest as part of his summer vacation. he is a student, majoring in art therapy. he also likes to research how God correlates into mathematical formulas as a side project. (how do people come up with these things?) anyway - this is why i love coffee shops and i love cities.

i know i am going to regret saying this come november, but i am 80% ready for fall weather. i know, i know, then that means winter is approaching, but i would love to wear a cardigan + scarf combo to work tomorrow.

i always get a little crabby on sunday evenings. i really do hate mondays. i also really hate moving. you know this already, though. there are boxes everywhere, and one has to now begin making the inconvenient decisions of "hmm. what can i live without until i move into the new place?" i also forgot how spendy it is up front to sign a new lease. grumble, grumble. adulthood.

your breath took the wind right out my sails.
it was in the worst of ways, too.

as for your eyes, they can't even decide who they want to be.
i said i'd never write about you again.

and for that, you only get one stanza.

100.

2011-08-05T12:05:00.009-06:00

one hundred entries from my first house. one hundred entries from the first of many homes i'm sure.

possibly the saddest part leaving this place is the year of change it will always remind me of. it's been a year i certainly won't look back on, but it's a year that's been needed.

learning to be content with being by myself.
and that it's OK to go to the grocery store by myself, and to go to a movie by myself.
learning that kisses don't mean contracts,
and learning that not all first impressions are correct.
learning that it's important to do what makes you happy.
(and that's something i'm still working on.)
learning how to spend money,
and not spend money.
learning how to take care of myself,
and how to think for myself.
learning how to spend my time.
and learning why i believe what i believe.
learning how to be blessed in discomfort,
and learning the blessing of a warm bed.
learning that sometimes life hurdles are months long,
but still understanding God's movement in such things.
learning that one can find God in a secular coffee shop,
and less likely so in a christian one.
learning that love doesn't have limits or conditions,
and if there's fine print, it probably isn't love.

if there's one thing i know for sure, i know my decisions on my next living situation are right. i am excited for what the next 100 entries will hold, and what this 23rd year of life will bring.

upcoming things to look forward to -
a two-day weekend.
a work week with hours anyone would be jealous of.
a trip up to north idaho to see friends, and see friends get married too - and turning 23 in their presence.
hopefully everything falling into place with this new living situation. (signatures, fees and everything in between.)

099.

2011-08-03T22:56:00.007-06:00

four word letter - mewithoutYou
--------
I wrote a four word letter,
With post-script in crooked lines,
"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."
You know who I am - you held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling, yeah, but aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, doubters, let's go down,
Let's go down - won't you come on down?
Oh doubters, let's go down-
Down, to the river to pray?

"But I'm so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things.

Wearing black canvas slippers
In our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose
We sewed buttons and zippers
To chinese pink silk
And olive night clothes
If you can someday stop by
Somehow we'll show you the pictures and fix you some tea
(see, my dad's getting a bit older now and just unimaginably lonely).

Oh, pretenders, let's go down
Let's go down- won't you come on down?
Oh, pretenders
Let's go down-
Down to the river and pray?

"Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm too tired, I won't last long."
No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Oh, Amanda, let's go down
Let's go down- won't you come on down?
Mama, Nana, lets go down, down in the dirt by the river to pray?

You struck the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked - So if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining (as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?)
We hunger, but though all that we eat brings us little relief we don't know quite what else to do,
We have all our beliefs but we don't want our beliefs,
God of peace, we want You.

098.

2011-08-02T23:05:00.007-06:00

i found a really great article on relevantmagazine.com this evening. best line: "the myth of friends with benefits programs us to believe intimacy doesn’t last, love is selfish, desire exists for you and only matters in the right now." oh...so...true. please ask me why i agree with this.

in other news, i feel like everyone is newly married, newly engaged or pregnant. everyone is growing up except for me it seems like. i think i'm OK with that though. i don't really like babies anyway.

you know what else i don't like? money. i hate the stress it causes. i hate how much one must rely on it. i hate the way it makes me feel. i hate how money drives so many things. oh, and i also hate how much money my rental company asks for in advance, but that's another story.

hurray for waking up at 5:30am. i guess.

PS: i know i've been really negative lately. ok, negative for the last several months. i apologize. i know why i have been, but it's really no excuse. life is beautiful and God is good. i am such a silly human being.

097.

2011-07-31T01:40:00.005-06:00

in a month a gay couple is moving in with me at the new place on 13th street, and i couldn't be more excited. i love their company and i love their hearts. they are great friends to have.

and this does not make me any less christian.

if anyone has an issue with any of this, don't come over.

so there.

ps: song of the weekend -- "blood" - the middle east

096.

2011-07-26T23:07:00.005-06:00

here's to:
-trying to realize God's reasoning for certain people and events recently placed in my life. i am learning.
-moving forward, and figuring what is for me -- and apparently not for me. i swear, this is the year of a kind of rejection i've never really experienced. hello, real world.
-floating in the middle of an almost-lake at 8 PM and still seeing bright blue sky.
-jumping on the coveted google + train, and still not being impressed.
-going to bed early and not feeling bad about it.
-forseeing a journey down the boise river in the near future.
-dinner plans with the future roommates.
-realizing my bicycle has been my most faithful companion this summer.
-mustard yellow and white striped cardigans.

095.

2011-07-24T09:54:00.004-06:00

a few thoughts, some heavier than others:

-every single time i go to nampa, i realize more and more how happy i am to have left. i feel a lack of belonging now. nampa was a nice place to spend four years of school and to enjoy one summer, but i've decided that no more NNU means no more nampa. for a while there i thought i'd move back after getting my fill of boise, but if i'm leaving the northend, i'm leaving this state. even the brass razoo is moving over here. i am done with that part of my life.

-i wish i could blink my eyes and bam, i'd be fully moved into my new place. i have moved every year since 2006, and now i have stuff that i actually can't carry myself or use my car for. now i understand why buying a house has so many perks. too bad i am not stable enough, and too bad i'm still indecisive about where i truly want to be. if there's anything i'm learning, it's to figure out what makes me happy and where i can be happiest. from there, buy a freaking house so i know where my money is going and i don't have to worry about some owners wanting to sell it.

-i'm really starting to think God could care less of what someone's sexuality is. i do believe, however, God wants His children to be happy. faking your sexuality is damaging and i'm sick of having loved ones try and do it. if someone's sexuality was that big of a deal, i don't think God would have created the certain kind of attraction in them - everyone would just be straight. call me liberal theologian, but i'm just going to go worry about issues that matter now - like pacifism.

-i saw sweet kentucky nate last night. i can't believe the guys are back (or almost back)! i am reminded how blessed i am to know such good guys. maybe if there's one thing about nampa, it's the people. i've had some trouble with that here in boise.

-there's something about a coffee shop downtown on a summer morning. i love it. everyone lucky enough not to be at work has their dog, a newspaper and a coffee. i think that's a dang good way to start the day.

094.

2011-07-23T00:25:00.006-06:00

this week i had the pleasure of seeing the decemberists with bobango at the idaho botanical gardens. it was a very enjoyable show and the perfect summer evening. i am saddened that my summer concert series is over - i'm still debating traveling to portland, seattle or ~~san francisco~~ for bon iver this fall. i truly believe seeing live music is my ultimate favorite past time. music + blue moon/windmer hef + friends = i am there.

this summer is flying by. (PS: first mosquito bites occurred tonight!) anyway - can you believe it's almost august? i can't help but be a little stressed out about it. we move this upcoming month which is always a daunting task. i've never had to deep clean a rental so we'll see how that goes. hopefully the transition goes smoothly. our rental company has been extremely helpful to find us a new place and to guide our new roommates through the application process, so at least we don't have to worry about that! with a new home may come another change as well. i will know more about that on tuesday. fingers crossed.

in the past month i've found two great vintage chairs. i am currently on the hunt for an antique dresser. i would like it to look something like this. all we need is a couch and TV, and then our little hyde park home should be fully furnished. hurray for adult life. (and hurray for jobs to afford the adult life.) i have collected so much stuff since living on my own. this alone makes me afraid for moving out of boise. silly me.

093.

2011-07-19T22:43:00.004-06:00

dear God,

i feel like i'm not even at the starting line in the long distance race toward completely forgiving this person. i need Your help more than ever. i'm ready to be a vibrant flower again.

sincerely,
andrea

092.

2011-07-17T22:41:00.008-06:00

lately:

between allergies, sunburns and thunderstorms, this past week doesn't get much more summery. i recently learned about a pond that is 20 minutes biking distance from our home. i suspect i'll be spending a lot more time there while the heat lasts.

today i am thankful for new friends who understand my current state, and who are OK with my seemingly endless rants. today i am also thankful for old friends who understand that i am not myself because of recent events and have enough grace to take that into consideration.

as much as i love summer, part of me wishes it were the end of september so i could wear a scarf and cardigan tomorrow. given that it is going to be 100 degrees, i'll opt out of that desire.

does anyone else think you can easily tell which part of the treasure valley someone is from? also, does anyone else think you can tell which local boise coffee shop someone is a regular at based on first glance? i'm not condoning judging someone's appearance or stereotyping, but there is an obvious style with the coffee shops here -- especially dawson's. i think it's interesting.

looking for a new craft - ideally, a home decor one. i've been scouring this website like crazy.

ooh! ooh! also: bobango and i are seeing the decemberists on wednesday! outdoors + summer + great music + great friends = can't think of something much better!

ps: dear new people who are renting some studio in our alley - stop parking in front of our house that we've been renting for a year. i'd say something, but i would be afraid you'd put crickets in my room again. (yes - i meant to say that. oh NNU postgrad life...)

091.

2011-07-12T16:44:00.003-06:00

recent revelations:
- i don't think i need to leave this city in order to turn over a new leaf.
- what if i somehow got into the interior design field? i'm already cooking up ideas for our new house in hyde park. (thankful for an understanding dad who is OK with me no longer wanting to use my journalism degree.)
-i'm in rembrandt's right now and the same barista is working who told me i was beautiful in october. i think if he told me that now, i'd burst into tears. it's amazing what one bad romantic encounter will do to a person.
-the hardest part about leaving pueblo is the memories made in one year. but, then i think about how my parents just moved to a new state after living in the same home for 20 years.
-i'm on the verge of turning 23 (finally!). you know what that means.

090.

2011-07-11T00:20:00.008-06:00

God is good and so is my rental company! lindsay and i found a place in hyde park! the home is great, certainly not pueblo, but it'll be a nice fit for us. let's hope everything falls into place pre-move out/move in. hooray for northend living continuing for another year! Housing change - check. another change? hopefully soon.

despite this excellent news, i am feeling rather cynical.
and so, i present the "july 2011 rant list".

-i hate it when people seem inconvenienced by a simple question.
-i don't care about google. i don't care about the groundbreaking work the company is doing. i don't care about whatever google + is or why i should use it over facebook. really, i'd just rather care about other things instead.
-i hate the decisions i've made in the past four months.
-i hate that i always start my laundry way too late, and of course, my personality requires me to finish the task completely before slumber.
-when people don't return emails/texts...etc, i assume they think they are superior over me, which is annoying. people are just people, right?
-i don't understand why people would like cats over dogs.
-i hate how certain people can really get under your skin -- and they don't even deserve your attention either way.
-i hate how the internet makes healing more difficult. "out of sight, out of mind" mentality seems impossible these days.
-i hate being so nostalgic and sentimental.
-i hate how our basement smells.
-if there were 36 hours in a day, i think life would be a bit more jolly. for starters: more sleep.
-i need to stop thinking i'm normal and everyone around me is weird.
-"being a mom" facebook updates remind me that i don't want kids.

this is me right now, i'll woman up and admit it:

i do not claim ownership of this photo.

(and here i said i was going to try to complain less. Lord have mercy.)

089.

2011-07-06T23:48:00.005-06:00

when it rains, it pours, i guess.

the owner of our sweet little pueblo is removing her from our property management company. this means we cannot renew our lease and we all must be out by august 30. my heart is so broken. lindsay and i have been in tears all night. we love our little home so much.

we now begin our desperate search for a not-as-amazing northend home to move in to september 1.

and i was so looking forward to not moving all my junk for another year...

088.

2011-07-05T23:31:00.004-06:00

( i must really love sparklers.)

my favorite holidays are the 4th of july and halloween. the 4th is great because the weather is always wonderful, and there is plenty to do. i'm not even that patriotic. anyway, this year had to be one of the best! there was a parade downtown, to which i was reminded that i am not in portland anymore. i don't think i've ever seen a "keep the Bible in the schools" float before. anyway - in the evening our little pueblo held a spectacular BBQ and festivities. we then rode our bikes down to ann morrison. it's days like this i think i could live in boise forever. and, maybe i could.

goals for the rest of the week:
-no more verbalized complaining. i already know i did waaaay too much today.
-eat from home for all meals.
-meet the gazebo boys.
-finalize and send an important letter. it's been sitting in the drafts folder for weeks.

totally forgot how much i love josh ritter. (listening to "temptation of adam," and still gets me every single time!)

087.

2011-07-04T00:36:00.005-06:00

i'm so excited to see these guys at the end of the month!

oh, and happy fourth of july! you know there's a party brewing at our house when lindsay and i spend waaaay too long in winco and spend all night trying to make room for everything in our fridge and freezer.
(and so blessed to have a full fridge and freezer. think about it.)

086.

2011-07-02T00:54:00.012-06:00

a small photo update of june:

titus wasn't a big fan of the dog sitting responsibility we gained...

we've been having some great summer storms! a couple weeks ago, it rained so hard a waterfall was flowing from our roof. the sky lit up like God was trying to start a rave.

i came home from a bike ride and the dumb cat was crying because he was stuck, as if he was magically teleported to the roof against his will.

in honor of bobango's birthday, we saw the civil wars live! it was a super fun show and lindsay and i even met the musicians afterward.

it's times like now that i think about how truly blessed i am for the friends i have, and the wonderful opportunities i get to share with them. speaking of opportunities, matt henry (on -purpose shout out) is trying to get me to go overseas and teach english.

here's something: i realized this week this is the first home i've lived in with air conditioning. can you believe it? ha! my 1920s northend home; i feel so spoiled.

lindsay and i aren't all that patriotic, but we're throwing a BBQ on the 4th. i am thankful to live in a home that easily brings people together. i guess for us unpatriotic folk, the 4th can at least celebrate that.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
if there's one thing i wish right now, it would be to have a degree in social work or graphic design/photography.

085.

2011-06-30T23:32:00.004-06:00

coldplay is releasing new stuff like crazy. i'm not sure how sold i am on it yet, but i will say moving to mars reminds me a lot of the album, "a rush of blood to the head". for that, i am rather pleased.

-here's to hoping my property management company's new online payment system working as it should.
-here's to being in bed by 11pm.
-here's to a two-day weekend coming up. finally.
-here's to 6-foot sunflowers who made it through idaho spring storms.
-here's to a sudden urge to read the AP Stylebook again.
-here's to a possible new cat added to our home?

i can't believe it's july. i hope this summer slows down.

084.

2011-06-28T23:54:00.007-06:00

in rob bell's latest book love wins, there's a part where he talks about how when we don't follow God we are essentially living in hell. and this isn't punishment from God; life is simply hell when God isn't leading. i think about the true joy i found by accepting God's guidance. and now, i think about the things in my life currently -- and how i doubt God is the center of it all -- and how that true joy has been replaced with anxiousness.

things God believes i have recently ignored:
-as i'd walk out to my car at 4:00 a.m with tears streaming down my face, "you are treasured for so much more than that."
-"I gave you this talent. I think you're afraid of a human being telling you it's not a talent."

and so here i am, wondering why certain people and certain opportunities have been placed in my life since moving here. these are the people and opportunities now causing this anxiousness. i know not long from now everything will fade (thanks mickey the jump), but this soul isn't very good with patience.

listening to oh-so-much bon iver. the new album is stunning.
i don't think i've said that enough.

also, how sobering is this? i was tearing up about it earlier.

083.

2011-06-26T00:53:00.021-06:00

lately my life has consisted of the following:
-dog sitting an australian shepherd pup named bindi. she licks toes wayyyy too much for me to miss her when we part ways. at least she's helped me get my exercise -- she sure does like her northend walks.
-magenta nail polish.
-the discovery of the avocado smoothie.
-garage sale treasures like this little beauty for $5:

-watering my sunflowers, who have now surpassed my height. (pictures to come.)

-trying to treasure every day off, for they are limited.
-rereading my favorite rob bell book, sex god, and loving each page this time too.
-contemplating vacation destinations: san fran or disneyland.
-remembering that part of the journey with God involves recognizing His provision in all circumstances.
-enjoying the fact that summer finally arrived, and i have tan lines to prove it.
-realizing that hotel rooms smell like a/c units.
-realizing i have a love/hate relationship with poetry.
-remembering brad, as the 23rd was the two year anniversary of his passing. that is the most memorable day of my life. i remember what i was wearing, what i was doing, what music was playing...death is so bizarre.

This is the Thing - Fink
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone.

(truly stunning.)

082.

2011-06-21T00:14:00.003-06:00

jeff mangum of neutral milk hotel is so stinkin' BA.
i also love how this video looks like it is from 1979, but it really is from 1998.

how is it almost the end of june?
PS: can someone invent an andrea robot so the real me can zone out of the next two weeks?

081.

2011-06-19T23:58:00.005-06:00

if i could explain my life at this current moment, i would use these recent real scenarios:

i. i waited months to get a car wash because of the weather. i finally invested in a car wash on friday -- it rained saturday afternoon.

ii. i was at the balcony on the final evening of pride week. i was summoned onto the dance stage by bronzed, hairless men. and then after it was all said and done, a woman laid her head on my chest. (it was confirmed again that i will always appreciate men so much more.) there's something for bucket list, i guess.

iii. lindsay and i are looking for a new roommate, so we posted an ad on craigslist. we were very encouraged by the amount of responses we received. however -- we've been stood up by two potential candidates already, and one response was a scam.

iv. most of the flowers i planted last week are dying due to toddlers + cats + bugs.

are any of these symbolic? maybe so. i do know one thing: i am stuck in a rut.

i do believe, however, things will turn around. they always do. if everything always went my way, there would be no room for growth or change.

080.

2011-06-17T00:08:00.008-06:00

i swear, sometimes my life is an indie film they would only play at the flicks. let me rephrase that: i wish my life could be an indie film they would only play at the flicks.

this local electric-trance band was playing downtown tonight. i found myself in the middle of a beard-wearing, PBR drinking hipster crowd at a trendy bar and this drunk girl says to me, "just forget it and dance. just dance." (not sure if i should thank her or lady gaga.) oddly enough, the girl is also a flying m regular.

someone who was at the same bar, and is also a regular at the flying m, told me i need a change and i need to stop going with the flow. i know i need something new. i just wonder, can i find that change here? i like it here. (i think, anyway.) i hate having so many options. my problem is that i don't know what my passions are, and the passions i once had, are now gone. i'm secretly envious of people my age who have it all figured out, and are doing exactly what they love.

song suggestions for the evening:
"towers" and "michicant" - bon iver

079.

2011-06-14T00:15:00.007-06:00

"OK, andrea, stop. I care too much for you. and so, I'm closing this door. actually, I'm going to slam it."
- God
(or something like that.)

i think about the current emotional state i'm in, and i know one day it will no longer matter. and sure, this is all a part of the process, but still -- gah, heartbreak blows. i guess i was just hoping the past four months would have a different result. and really, all that means is not feeling this terrible.
so it goes. (more patience, please.)

i cannot express enough love for this one-hit wonder:

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
YES. THANK YOU.

078.

2011-06-12T09:36:00.007-06:00

i've had some really cool discussions with fellow customers at the flying m -- discussions about theology, christianity, God. what's nice about the boise coffee shop is that it's a lot more diverse. it's not just full of nazarenes. i've had genuine conversations with alcoholics, the homeless, LGBT and atheists. i love it. typically these conversations are spurred by people seeing what i'm reading -- and given that they are usually rob bell books, i guess you can understand why we begin talking about what we do. regardless, i've missed having great conversations since leaving the academic atmosphere.

and this is why i don't spend my time at christian coffee shops. i like talking to people who may see things differently from me. i like talking to people who are living examples of why the Church is scaring people away. we have much to learn from them. honestly, i gain the most encouragement by talking to these people -- from their life stories, their talents. i think they are wonderful.

by the way, some of the nicest people i know aren't christians.

077.

2011-06-09T22:50:00.005-06:00

"oh, count the ways!"

count the ways the lines
branch your palm.
they are escaping its grasp,
and looking for a pulse.
or for something that signifies
a bit more life.

count the ways you can interpret
someone else's words,
and someone else's mind.
when good is really bad,
and truth is nothing more than
something you hope to be.
belief that kisses are no sort of contract,
and neither is a deadlock gaze.
but all this is just another beginning
to another end.

count the ways to hurt,
because you are hurt.

one day love will leak into your brain,
from your soul,
and pump through your insides.
you will sprout sunflowers,
and catch moonbeams.
and then, you can no longer
count the ways, for they are immeasurable.

076.

2011-06-04T23:40:00.006-06:00

everything is better when the weather is warm, for this i am certain. (unless you're praying for a snow day i guess.)

today i biked to the market -- iced coffee consumption was involved. i visited some thrift stores. i also did some gardening. let me tell you, our front yard looks dang good and does not fit the young person rental property stereotype. the day ended with a bike ride to fancie freeze, and a flat tire. ugh. flat tires seriously cramp my style. they always occur at times that all i want to do is ride. bummer, i'll have to wait for monday to fix it too.

this evening lindsay and i also pretended to be on neighborhood watch. this essentially meant walking around the block to see if there were any shady characters wandering aimlessly. we even carried wasp spray in the event of an attack. (the northend has had some sketchy stuff happen lately. click here to see what i mean.)

i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow. such is life.
i have hope for monday's events (and am thankful for the chance i've already received.)
i need to sleep now. sun + biking + walking + gardening x all day = pooped on a saturday night by 11pm.

PS: oh? new coldplay single?
PSS: titus was found...in case anyone was worried.

075.

2011-06-01T23:30:00.013-06:00

Q: how many differences can you spot in these rare THATH photos?

oooh! here's proof on the tattoo. seeee? told ya so. sorry for the myspace pic-esque of it all. now i just want to wear tank tops all the time. (mom, if you see this...uhh...i don't plan on getting any more. so, yeah...)

in other news, titus is missing. this time it's kind of a big deal because as lindsay, bobango and i were walking to alive after 5 this evening, titus followed us all the way to 8th street where i literally watched him almost get hit by a car. when we got back home, he wasn't waiting for us and he still isn't back. on top of that, it's rainy and windy. usually he's smart enough to come home when the weather turns. i hope he's not roadkill somewhere. lindsay would be devastated. speaking of titus, check out these BA photos from memorial day of us and the feline.

>>> go purchase these albums if you haven't already!
"codes and keys" - death cab for cutie
"barton hollow" - the civil wars
"helplessness blues" - fleet foxes

PS: hellooooo irony! if you see my post from a few days ago, i raved about the flying m's $2.12 price of their medium flavored americano. they have since raised their prices. life. funny, though -- they are still cheaper than everywhere else.

074.

2011-05-30T00:29:00.003-06:00

next time you hear from me, i will have seen iron & wine live! oh, and did i mention the head and the heart is the opening band? well, i guess one could say i'm excited! just five hours of work (yes, on memorial day) and then i'll be well on my way to an excellent evening.

oh, and go die of cuteness now.

073.

2011-05-27T23:28:00.003-06:00

currently hopeful for:
-the forecast to be wrong.
-a phone call, an email...something...that will signal that there are winds of change coming.
-my sunflowers to make it.
-titus to stop vomiting on our white rug.

i just really, really want to visit here again. (or, better yet -- move here.)

the new bon iver album gets better and better each time.
the weekend is here. thank goodness.

072.

2011-05-26T22:36:00.005-06:00

simplicities of life i really do appreciate:
-drinking coffee at 6:30am as i get ready for my day.
-burning nice smelling candles.
-driving to work with hot air balloons in my line of vision.
-small flavored americano at dawson's: $3.02 vs. medium flavored americano at flying m: $2.12. not even a competition.
-seeing my sunflowers sprout in what seems like five-inch increments every other day.
-knowing the private blog i've kept since 2005 has even the tiniest of details about every heart break i've had.
-getting a leaked copy of bon iver's new album, bon iver. i don't even feel bad about it because i pre-ordered an official copy as well. i just couldn't wait. (reminds me of my brothers when they first found the mwY leak circa may 2009.)

good night.
now go listen to "the boxer" by simon & garfunkel

071.

2011-05-24T15:03:00.006-06:00

(Untitled)
I have hopes hanging from the tops of redwoods.
They are plastered to skyscrapers too,
and dance among the clouds.
I have bricks for feet,
or maybe cannonballs.
May the stars keep my dreams safe,
until my soul is ready for flight.

---------------

today -- right now -- is perfect. i'm on break, relaxing at rembrandt's. i'm listening to bon iver (of course) and am reminded of how sweet the baristas are here. one of the baristas told me i was beautiful a few months ago. i still haven't forgotten that. i think women need to be told they are beautiful more often. anyway, they have some really great white decorations hanging up right now. i think i can make them out of coffee filters. i do love a good craft. by the way: eagle always reminds me of how thankful i am to live in downtown boise. the diversity here stinks. i feel like everyone is too conservative and too wealthy.

my tattoo is healing up nicely. i haven't told my parents yet. they get here this weekend, so i just might have to be like, "oh, by the way...". and really, i think they will appreciate the thought behind it. we all loved bradley so much.

i'm looking forward to turning 23. i think i'll be kindred spirits with blink 182 then.

070.

2011-05-22T21:30:00.003-06:00

what a day. today was the second time i went on a bike ride/good cry session. last time i did one of those was the day brad went up to heaven.

odd that i'm listening to this new death cab song "some boys" whilst unfortunate text messages flood my inbox:

Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole
They're making the killing at the top of the billings
Their role, and that's all that they know
But some boys don't listen, some boys don't listen at all
They don't ask for permission, they lack inhibitions
No walls, and they get what they want

But some boys don't know how to love

Some boys are singing, some boys are singing the blues
Joylessly flinging with the girls that they're bringing to their rooms
And then leave them, they're through
Some boys are sleeping, some boys are sleeping alone
Cause there's no one that's keeping them warm through evening
They know that they're on their own

Some boys don't know how to love

Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole
Some boys are sleeping, some boys are sleeping alone

Some boys don't know how to love

They won't get what they want

(( listen to the full album before its release here. ))

i remember the few times i was prophesied over last summer. lacey saw me as a vibrant flower in a meadow. i feel more like a weed these days. when we were at a church in seattle, the common denominator the people would speak of had to do with my joy and laughter. i'm not so sure where my joy went. i've always said my joy comes from the Lord, perhaps that's what i need more of. no, it IS what i need more of. i've relied too much on other things this year. 2011 is off to a bad start, and it's half way over. i'm thinking i need to make some changes. yeah.

069.

2011-05-21T00:34:00.006-06:00

lindsay and i have been going on a lot of night bike rides lately. it all reminds me for summer two years ago when taylor and i would do the same thing in nampa every evening after i'd come home from my internship. i then begin to get rather nostalgic because that summer was such a turning point in my life. i can't believe brad will be gone two years this june. oh my soul.

hooray for work-free weekends, sunflowers in the front yard slowly reaching for the sky and 75 degree weather.

i'm finally reading donald miller's blue like jazz. it makes me miss portland.

After years with a crown on my head, I've grown overfed, unconcerned and comfortably numb.
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
(Someone make me afraid of what I’ve become!)
At the first sign of possible sorrow, I turned my heels and ran.
(Oh, I’ll never learn.)
My life is a cup of sugar I’ve borrowed before time began and forgot to return.
-mewithoutYou, "January 1979"

i wonder what the media will be saying this time tomorrow about familyradio.org and harold camping. part of me wishes i could be in an NNU theology class right now.

068.

2011-05-16T00:02:00.001-06:00

above: artwork for bon iver's upcoming LP bon iver (release date: june 21)

well, thank God for the human capability to make music. bon iver released a track from their upcoming album for a free download. it's called "calgary" and blew my mind on the first play. bon iver always does this to me. i think of the first time i heard re: stacks. anyway - the album is released next month. i already pre-ordered it because it comes with a free poster. this will be the summer of good music.

i did it today. three months later and i finally got a tattoo. (yet another 'first' to add to my list since moving downtown.) it's OK if you don't believe me, as i am not attaching photos to this post. i guess those in question can ask bobango. anyway - i got the years of brad's life tattooed on my right shoulder blade. i shed a few tears, and only because as the buzzing was going on and the pain set in, i couldn't help but think about why i was getting the tattoo, and its significance. death is a concept we can't ever truly grasp i suppose. the tattoo is in a nice typeface that mimics a typewriter. the process hurt enough for me to be thankful it was over in five minutes. the end result is looking great so far. thanks, devotion tattoo! and now to think about people who will ask about it, and i get the opportunity to tell them about brad's life. cheers to that.

this weekend lindsay and i went to two grad parties. they made me so excited for summer. one was a BBQ in here in the northend, the other was up in the mountains at a cabin. (nope, doesn't get much better.)

currently wishing for:
-real may weather
-the green flag to change a large aspect of my life
-it to be friday at 5pm

praying for:
-peace
-patience
-taming of the tongue

067.

2011-05-15T00:28:00.004-06:00

"Not free enough"

I am a kite,
folded then unfolded.
My little sails are decorated bright,
and my frame is rather frail.
I toss and turn in a bed of wind,
and you’ve got me by a string
no one else can see.
Jealous of the birds,
I try and fly away,
but you’ve still got a hold on me.
You watch me glide
and dance,
in love with the air’s body.
But all I see is blue,
and it's not a nice shade of blue either.

066.

2011-05-14T01:07:00.007-06:00

here's to first tan lines and first opportunities to sleep on top of the sheets.
here's to ceiling fans that i forgot make an awful clicking noise, and jacketless evenings.
(too bad sunday is supposed to be 60 and rainy. make up your mind already, boise!)
oh! and here's to a new batch of post-grads that will finally understand what it's like to be in this awkward stage of life.

i'm not so sure if i could even write a journalistically sound news article these days. i find that pathetic and unfortunate. where has my brain gone? i did not want to feel this way a year ago. oh mediocrity. but i fear not, because the summer has always brought me clarity -- especially the past four summers. each summer, something profound has taken place that has beautifully molded my life. i anticipate nothing different this time around, both with professional goals and err... relationships. may there be less "????" and more "!!!!!". something is on the horizon. summer 2011: bring it on.

i've been writing more creative pieces lately. weird, i thought i stopped being an english major because i hated creative writing. but hey, at least i'm writing again. it seems the only consistency in my life these days is that my nails are always painted.

life is still good. (always!)

PS: i'm really trying to work on being a peacemaker. for me, this means having more of a filter on my opinions. 'tis tricky indeed.

065.

2011-05-09T23:30:00.008-06:00

i've been trying to figure out what my dream really is, and i have no idea where to start. i try imagining myself in the career of my choice -- no restrictions -- and i don't even know what that would be. don't get me wrong, i'm only 22, but i feel like a wilted flower or something. i feel like i've lost so much life in myself.

i remember being in college and being passionate and interested in so many things. i think it is why i loved college life so much - i did what i did because i was passionate about it. classes made me happy because they fascinated me. newspaper wasn't even considered work because i enjoyed creating the product from start to finish. so then i think, is grad school a better option at this point in my life? if only that kind of happiness didn't come with such a price tag.

perhaps this should be a goal for the summer: figure out what makes me happy, and what i'm passionate about. i don't even know who this girl is anymore -- either way, she's pretty lame.

PS: i am somewhat amused titus learned how to turn on the dryer. (see? luh-ame!)

064.

2011-05-07T02:08:00.008-06:00

'good week and here's why' list:
-seeing THATH twice. and hanging out with them twice.
-celebrating first thursday/cinco de mayo with dave, lindsay, bobango and SARAH AUSTIN!
-accidentally locking titus in the time out room for 12 hours.
-driving with windows rolled down.
-putting on a new hub cap alllll on by myself.
-napping in my yard.
-talking theology with an interesting religious group that is uhh...rather apocalyptic.
-new opportunities. (vague for a reason, mmmkay?)

everything is better when the weather is good.

PS: ooooh! new THATH stuff. i am in love.